Tears and Tantrums

Babies and children cry. This is one of the most crucial ways in which they communicate and thrive. It is healthy and healing…for you and baby. The problem is...crying makes a lot of people really uncomfortable. The sounds, vibrations, and decibels that arise during crying strike deep chords in our inner being, awakening our inner child...bringing up images and feelings from the past. Perhaps we weren't allowed to show our feelings, were somehow made to feel small because of our tears, or constantly distracted away from the act of crying. How we were allowed or not allowed to feel or cry as babies affects how we relate to our crying infant now!

 Here are some questions to consider:

• How can we think with a solution focused mind to meet the crying moment with what it needs? 
• How can we maintain our wits about us in the midst of crying? 
• What are some ways we can put crying in perspective for others who might be giving us “eyes?” 
• How can we fit crying into our everyday activities? 
• How can we normalize crying? 
• If a tantrum presents itself, how can we remain grounded and calm? 
• If crying strikes a chord in us, how can we deal with what arises? 

Here are some suggestions to keep you present in the presence of tears and tantrums:

 

 • Hold your baby close while he/she cries.

 • Never leave baby alone to cry.

 • If you feel your temperature rising or inner stuff coming up for you, try crying too! Co-crying is healing and cathartic.

 • Create an energetic bubble around yourself while traveling out and about with baby. Be just as present with your child’s crying outside of the home as you are inside the house! (This can be super challenging, especially when others become uncomfortable in the presence of your baby’s tears.) If you are at the park and your baby needs to cry, find a spot under a tree and hold her close. People will look. That is just what they do!

 

 • Try sitting completely still with your baby while she cries. Just sit and hold a space for her. Challenge yourself by NOT rocking, singing, soothing, or distracting. We don’t need to be distracted from our feelings, but rather completely present and alive with the emerging emotions!

 • Find your breath while holding your crying child. Click here to discover breath awareness.

 • Make eye contact with your sweet crying babe. Focus wholeheartedly on their release. They will learn trust through this simple act.

 

 • Try saying as little as possible while baby cries. Let baby process by simply doing. Not thinking. Sometimes we don’t know why we need to cry, so asking baby or assuming you know the reason behind the tears sets the standard for always needing to “know.” The truth is that sometimes we cry to cry. Our bodies need the sheer release. If you do say anything, a simple "I am here" or "I hear you" lets your child know that you are a witness to their process. A witness does not judge, distract, or analyze. You merely hold a space for your little one to let go and release.

 • Usually babies will go into a restorative sleep after cathartically crying. Rest while baby rests!

 • Babies tend to be rhythmic with their crying. Certain times of day may trigger their need to tearfully open up…i.e. one baby might establish his/her afternoon naptime as crying time, whereas another might find bedtime a better time to release. Take note of these special times. Work them into your schedule.

If all else fails, see your crying child as your own inner child standing before you. What does your inner child need right now? How would you have wanted your parents to respond to you in a similar moment? 

You will find that setting aside time for and normalizing crying with your child will help you open, empathize, bond, and simplify...all of which will help you be the best parent you can be. Our children deserve the time to break apart, break down, and lose it. When we honor the act of crying we are giving our children the opportunity to soften, loosen, and expand. Tears are like magic...turning stone to water. Each spell of crying softens the world one tear at a time. And we need softening. This world and the people in it need our tears!

"Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again.- Alex Tan

May every child cry as often and as loud as they need to! 

From my river to yours,

Betsy