Kristina's Birth Story

2.5 years later...I'm writing Kristina's birth story. My fingers trip over the keyboard as I search for the words to describe what swarmed through my head and my heart on that magical day...

Saturday

Saturday morning, May 29th, I woke up itching to dig my hands in the earth. Josko and I began a day outside. He mowed the lawn. I dug up all of our old bulbs, split them apart, and prepared to rearrange the front garden beds. Squatting felt good to me, but when my legs began to quiver, I plopped directly onto the dirt. The cold earth moved my spirit. I sat with Kristina, humming and planting, more humbled with every bulb covered and safe. Kristina felt lower in my vagina.

I rose up to move over to my next planting area. As I squatted down, a school bus drove by. Some of the children giggled and shouted at my bottom sticking up in the air. Breathing in, I added their voices into my labor song.

Sitting back on the earth, I soaked up the smells of freshly cut grass. As I closed my eyes, I remembered our trip to the country the previous weekend. My mother drove me out to our families' farm house. My grandmother was born in this home. We sat under the old, old magnolia tree and took on the ancestral air. It felt good to be with the wisdom keepers of our family. As I sat in the sun I said, "I just wonder when she will come." My great aunt responded back, "She will just come. In her own time. Don't you worry about that." Simple words that put my mind at ease. I opened my eyes and took another deep breath. My stomach hardened around Kristina. I could see the outline of her back.

That evening there was a full moon. As bedtime approached, I took the familiar walk up our stairs to the bedroom. Mid way, the moon called to me. I stopped at the window and whispered to Kristina that I was ready for her to come.

Sunday

Sunday, Josko and I awoke to a peaceful morning. I could smell our sheets. They smelled like us. I liked that. Josko decided not to work that evening. We made love. It was warm and golden outside. We took a walk around the neighborhood together. My senses were on fire. The sweat glistened on my chest. I felt drops of perspiration dripping down my back, down my stomach, and between my legs. My body felt like a waterfall. My nose seemed as open as the sea. With each breath, a new scent would fill my nostrils...warm smells...dirt, moss, honeysuckle, and fresh air. The scent of gardenia filled my lungs and felt as if it might ooze out of my pores. Even the sunset smelled of earth...it's glow reeking of birth desire. Josko walked beside me. We held hands. I felt big. Bigger than the earth. Josko's hand made me feel safe.

Night came. I began to have steady, hugging contractions. Conversation came easy to me. The birthing center wanted us to come in, as my contractions took on the desired rhythm.

Josko and I excitedly drove to the center. We took the back roads and enjoyed the dark, winding drive.

Upon arrival, the midwife checked me. I wasn't ready. The number disappointed me. There was another woman laboring in the room beside us. I could hear her moaning and groaning. The midwife mentioned that I might begin to sound like that when the time was close. She sent us home with orders to rest.

We returned home. We laid down. I couldn't sleep. The contractions were getting stronger...wrapping from my spine to my bladder. I had the urge to pee. On the toilet, my mucus plug came out in one fell swoop. I heard it plop.

I promptly dove into my birth. No more talking. Josko tried to talk to me. I couldn't respond. He called the midwife. He handed me the phone. I couldn't talk. The midwife apologized for sending us home and asked that we return quickly.

On the way to the car, I leaned on Josko as a surge swept over me. I could feel the moonlight on my back. I don't really remember the ride. I was laboring. I do know that.

We had all of our things in the back of the car. Nothing ever made it inside of the birthing center...except Josko, Kristina, and I.

I labored for 12 hours from start to finish. It was dark when I began. It was light when I ended.

In between dark and light, my heart felt frightened and free all at the same time.

My body moved without me. At times I was riding a bull, and at other times I would drift like a whale in the deep blue. I cried out for help.

I growled and bellowed...back and forth from angry lion to midnight wolf. My eyes rolled around in my head, picking up colors, textures, and visions. Josko tried to call my mother, but I didn't want to lose him. Not for one second. He came back to me. I could feel his breath...heavy, but present. I found comfort in rubbing his ear lobes. Over and over and over again. His eyes would lock to mine. He found my breath and matched it. He found my sound and matched that. He got me up off the bed...all other rhythms maintained. We swayed and wailed and rubbed for what seemed like an eternity.

I wanted the tub. There were other women in the space. Women I didn't know. That didn't matter. I needed them. One of these women filled the tub with warm water.

Once in, I tried to relax. My mind took over. My contractions were too close together...too strong...I couldn't do this! Then a pregnant woman appeared and sat on the edge of the tub. A surge took me and I reached out to grab something...I grabbed her belly, softly but firmly. I apologized. She whispered that my touch was just fine. Her round tummy brought me peace. I knew she would be exactly where I was soon. It felt good to have her there. She empathized with me. She offered a warm rice sock to my back. She opened her lap for my weary head. I don't know her name. Soon I got out. My feet needed to touch the earth. Water seemed too watery.

The midwife on duty was tired. I could feel this. She wanted to check me. I managed to get back over to the bed. As she reached for my cervix, Kristina's water broke. It felt warm and juicy.

My mother arrived. I could feel her presence.

I moved to the toilet and labored there forever and a day. Everything was spinning. My body heaved and wandered and sank and arrived and...opened. I wasn't alone, but I was alone. No one could save me. No one could do this for me. I got angry. Very angry. I barked and grunted and didn't know what to do with my hands. The sensations in my body were borderline insane. Nausea...hot...cold...spinning...the contractions started in my brain and ended...no, they never ended. They kept going. Through the floor, through the earth, through the underworld.

I could feel my mother's concern for me. She was in the other room, but I could feel this in my bones.

Josko stood behind me. He could do nothing but hold a space for me. I began to feel his fear. He was afraid. He faded into the distance a moment later.

My tongue was thirsty, but I couldn't drink. The midwife administered a temporary IV. She held the IV and moved around the room with me. The soft animal of my body lapped up the fluids.

Birth stool...birth chair...standing...laying...squatting...all fours...nothing felt like it worked any better than the other. Everything felt intense...there was no end and no beginning...

Monday

A new midwife arrived. This felt fresh to me. She came in, clapped her hands and said, "Let's have this baby." I needed her energy.

It was light outside. My ears picked up the sounds of morning birds. Someone whispered that they were singing for Kristina. I liked that.

The midwife disappeared and reappeared. She listened to my sounds and began to gently direct those who were in the room. My lantern felt out. I couldn't find my way. Darkness swept over me. I found myself in Josko's arms. He was sitting behind me, embracing my being. My ears heard the midwife suggest that I move my bottom to the edge of the bed. She directed Josko to pull my belly up and then push down with all his might...following the rhythm of the contractions. My mother had one foot, someone else had the other.

I looked at my mother and wondered how my father could have left after experiencing birth with her...not just one birth, but two. Surely no man can leave after witnessing his woman birth their child! This made me sad. I felt tears well up in my eyes.

My body pushed. Josko pushed with my body, strongly guiding Kristina down and out. I needed his help. Kristina needed his help.

I felt a burning sensation. My soul burned with joy. My body welcomed the sensation with open arms. The midwife suggested I touch Kristina's head. I declined thinking that it might slow things down. I wanted her in my arms. Then, a birth tiger pounced. I was afraid to tear. I sat straight up, looked the midwife in the eyes and said, "Am I going to tear?" She replied, "I don't know. You might if your baby needs you to." Peace came over me. I leaned back into Josko and together we pushed Kristina out. I tore. I didn't feel myself tear.

And there she was...wet and warm on my belly. I knew right away that she was her own being...not mine to be had, but hers to behold. I was her chosen vessel...kindling her soul fire that was, at this very moment, as hot as the sun's surface. I felt a sad feeling for an instant that then faded into understanding. Kristina had her eyes wide open. She looked us dead in the eyes, telling us who she was with her gaze. The world stopped spinning. Everything became silent.

I could hear Josko crying. I cried too...from my most inner being...these tears were different from all other tears. They were invisible, but alive and full of color, rhythm, and wonder. I thought, "I can do anything now. Anything in the whole wide world."

I expressed that I wanted to get into the water right away. Some of the other women ran a warm bath for me. Josko helped us into the water. Kristina and I witnessed each other...without thought, analysis, or judgement. Perhaps for the only time in our lives, we just were. Nothing and everything all at once. In an instant, my eyes and ears moved to my gut. Never again would I just see and hear. All of my movements would come from my core. My 6th sense...

Kristina opened me to feeling...the modality that I now live from.
 
2.5 years later...I am still moving out of my postpartum. I am still in my birth labyrinth. Still reeling from the transformative power of our birth.

I love you Kristina. You broke me open so that I could find myself.

Thank you for choosing me.

Love,

Mama

*Leigh Ann Joel is the midwife who delivered Kristina. At the time, she was practicing at the Women's Birth and Wellness Center in Chapel Hill. She now practices in Durham, NC at the Women's Health Alliance, offering up her gifts to local couples who plan to birth at Durham Regional Hospital. She blesses our birth community with her gentle and passionate presence...meet Leigh Ann Joel!