Messages In Utero

My most recent cranial sacral appointment brought many new things to light for me. Every session is differently powerful, but this time was extra special. I had visions and distinct sensations of being in my mother's womb. I could feel the semi-darkness all around me...patches of grey light swirling in and out of the space. But most of all, I could feel the tightness in my gut intensify, and a squeezing sensation around my voicebox increase as I relived the emotional and psychological messages my mother unconsciously sent me while I developed inside of her. I literally absorbed these messages into my being before ever entering this world. In other words, my mother's responses to her own life during her pregnancy with me ultimately colored my understanding of feeling and being and connecting with this world. I have nothing but love for my mother. I am thankful that she brought these lessons to my eyes...to my feeling eyes...the eyes that I had in utero.

~By swallowing her own tears, I learned to swallow mine.
~By fearing her own darkness, I learned to disconnect from mine. It is not safe to touch your darkness...in fact, it does not exist...If it does, it is bad. Do not go there.
~By concerning herself with the reactions of others, I learned to be quiet...even when I needed to be loud. (To this day, my father tells me that I came out smiling and quiet. He doesn't remember my first cry? Maybe my first cry was yesterday, as I wept at the thought of this vision...and at all the times that I "modulated my voice" down and out and off. The sounds of my weeping felt like peace.)
~By questioning her value as a woman and mother, I learned to question mine.
~Feeling meant "scary"and so I learned to fear my feelings.
~Mistakes are not good...they are big inconveniences to be avoided at all costs...and so mistakes became big burdens to bare.

All of these things I felt before I was even born. And because my mother is beautifully imperfect, just as I am, I continued to receive these messages after I was born.

In my vision, these messages were sent as energetic sparks through the placenta, down the umbilical cord directly into my gut, and then processed back out into the warm amniotic fluid that surrounded me. The amniotic fluid is literally inhaled, digested, and then excreted like urine back into the womb. This is how fluid levels maintain themselves during pregnancy. So I essentially recycled these messages over and over again as I grew and blossomed. These messages became a part of my being, literally adhering to organs, cells, vocal cords, and chakras as my body came together.

Sounds crazy, huh?

No one really knows what an unborn baby is capable of feeling, understanding, hearing or tasting, but I know my experience was extremely spiritual, real, and tangible. I felt my mother's emotional pain. I processed her responses to that pain and absorbed her subconscious messages.

In gratitude I speak of this, because today I am a more authentic version of myself. My mother blessed me with her self-doubt and denied weakness. I am more alive, more aware, more gentle with my messes and mistakes, and as of yesterday, more playful and accepting of my darkness. My daughter Kristina will be blessed with this knowing.

My vision slowly changed to an eclipse...the sun crossing in front of the moon...pushing the darkness away. Then, gradually, gently, the darkness met the light...forming yin and yang. Balance. And then the two became one...forming a new light. My darkness and my light merged...playfully dancing with one another. Good and bad played hide and go seek. Right and wrong danced a tango. Clean and messy kissed in the new glow.

I love you Mom for your light and darkness. I'm glad that you felt safe to share your darkness with me...before I was even in your arms. May our light and darkness continue to dance and play and be. Thank you for motivating me to feel my way through life.

I am still learning how to love the weak parts of myself...but I have invited them to play...in their own way...not directed by me.

In light and darkness dear beautiful mothers,

Betsy

What messages were you sent in utero? What messages did you energetically send or are you sending to your baby in utero? How is your darkness playing with your light?