Mother Chi

I am awake now. I wasn't always awake. In fact, for many years, I hid behind cigarette smoke, alcohol, empty relationships, and other self-destructive behavior. I felt most alive as a singer and actress...singing others' deep and dark lyrics or acting out someone else's lesson learned. It simply felt real to empathize. To walk in someone's shoes other than my own. My love for myself was too strong to embrace...too deep for me to fathom. I was afraid of my own darkness. Ashamed of my own light. And equally indifferent to those who tried to open my eyes. The judgement of others was far more important than the intuitive feeling in my gut. My map became the reactions of others. Others' responses to my behavior became my guide...

And then I remember disappearing as a child. Running off into the woods to be alone. In solitude. Me and the trees and the creek and frog eggs. I loved the feeling of reaching into the unknown, only to deliver a handful of cold, slippery, bulging frog eggs. The excitement stirred in my tummy. I would hold them lovingly, slowly rocking the little buds to sleep...singing them songs and promising their safety...so aware of my connection to them... totally present and alive. Nature brought me to myself. The earth gifted me empathy...and I received that gift wholeheartedly. To this day, I can feel that peace in my core. The peace that only empathy can supply...

This feeling would call to me. Over and over again it would call. And I would feel it welling up inside of me, like a witches brew...popping and bubbling and gurgling and steaming. And I would put a lid on it. Every time. So as I grew up and became more disconnected to this feeling, the more anxious and inauthentic I became. The  more overstimulated I got, the faster I ran from my own truth...usually into the arms of some unloving situation. My "Betsy Chi" was stiffled, handicapped, lost inside of me. But others knew my light. They could sense it even when I could not. Certain people crossed my path to kindle my fire...for this I am grateful. I know who you are. 

And one fine day, sometime around my 24th birthday, I decided to return home. Just like that, the world stopped spinning. Like in the movie Forrest Gump. Forrest had been running for so long...not sure why, where, or how he was running. He had a following, unknowingly created a brand, and continued on, even when it didn't make sense. And then one day he stopped. Just stopped. He turned around and told everyone "I want to go home now." This is what happened to me. I ran home...straight into the arms of "feeling." Never again would I forsake "feeling." I would make more mistakes. But these mistakes would soften me. Open me. Break me apart. Build me back up...and ultimately lift the lid. 

The pregnancy and birth of my daughter Kristina awakened me to my "Mother Chi." I often find myself blindfolded, hands outstretched, anxiously searching for the next feeling to guide me in my motherhood. Sometimes I hit a wall. It hurts. I cry. I occasionally flail around on my knees...eventually curling into fetal position. Strangely, I find the fetal position to be extremely empowering. Renewing. Transforming. I become soft inside, slowly metamorphosing. It is here that I know my Mother Chi is building. My psyche is collecting energy for the inner shift that must take place in order for me to break through to the next instinct…take the next step.  My physical body suspends while work is being done on the inside. I am riding my fears...just like a crocodile goddess.

This is the closest thing I have to a map... 

Love to you, dear beautiful women...this blog is for us.

Betsy 
www.motherchi.com