Blessingway vs. Baby Shower

Part of shifting paradigms within a culture or community involves small, but powerful shifts in the completely opposite direction.

One way that you can begin to plant seeds of change in your birth community is to offer up or ask for something very different from the usual "baby shower" that we give or receive with all the best intentions. Our materialistic culture puts a lot of weight on the "things" that we receive for our little ones and not enough weight on the support that we need to emotionally and spiritually thrive in pregnancy, birth, and postpartum.

In general, we want to make sure that we have everything we could possible need to nurture, raise, and pamper our children. What we tend to forget is that our children need us...our undivided attention...our resourcefulness and creativity with what we already have...our emotional health... and our energy and vibrational strength...not "things." Do they need the swing? Not really. Swings tend to distract babies from their feelings, and in the event that they do enjoy the occassional swing, borrowing a used swing is a practical and money-saving option! Do they need the bouncy seat? Not really. They much prefer being swaddled close to mother or father...perhaps worn in a wrap or propped up on a pillow on the floor. Without all the bouncing, they can focus more clearly on shapes, shadows, colors, and textures. If you decide that you want a seat to simply prop baby up in a more upright position, borrow one! These seats are typically used very little and end up in the attic or closet. I'm sure there is a mother in your community who would gladly lend you a seat. Again, practical and money-saving. So you get the picture.

The paradigm shift that I am proposing would change the focus of baby celebrations from outward and materialistic to inward, spiritual, and reverent. Whittling down your list of "must haves" to the very basics is a start, borrowing and trading these "must haves" is a second, and shifting the "baby shower" focus from "things" to "blessings" is last but not least.

A Blessingway is a gathering where those who are invited show up to celebrate mother and baby through reverent and mindful acts of love and blessing. It is a ritual designed to connect mother and baby more deeply, surround mother and baby with energetic light and love, and bless their birth with special offerings of kindness that plant supportive seeds of absolute presence, intimacy, safety, and sacredness.

The Navajo began this ritual, taking two nights to honor the pregnant mother through dance, song, story, and body blessings including but not limited to hair braiding, body painting, warm oil massage, herbal rubs, energy work, foot baths, and birth art. Through these special acts the community would call forth ancestral and animal spirits, blessing the mother by invoking her primal side...opening her mind to those who had gone before, and expanding her birth space with positive energy, good fortune, and grace. This spiritual approach paved the way for the mother to experience birth as a rite of passage, in her own way, in her own time, at her own pace.

Birth was mother and baby centered, honoring the colorful, creative, and feeling nature of the right brain...not materially or socially centered, elements that activate the left brain, the side of the brain that will not serve us in birth. The mother's emotional, spiritual, and psychological journey was paramount to all else. The health and spiritual well-being of the vessel, the mother, equaled the health and spiritual well-being of the community as a whole.

Elements of a modern Blessingway might be:

• Birth Bead Blessings
• Foot Bath Rituals
• Henna Art
• Belly Casting
• Hair Braiding
• Song and Poetry
• Drum Circles
• Dancing
• Labyrinth Drawing
• Birth Sculpture Design
• Belly Painting
• Aromatherapy Blessings
• Nature/Lantern Walk
• Story Telling

Learn more about Blessingways!

You can probably see how easy it would be to incorporate certain aspects of a Blessingway into a traditional baby shower. I like to at least offer up the "birth bead blessing" in place of the typical "games" that are usually presented. How much more delicious would the mother feel by receiving a bead and a blessing from each of her loved ones vs. having everyone guess how big around she is! Eek!

Plant seeds of awareness dear beautiful women. Love your sisters. Hold a space for our mothers to enter birth with a deeper sense of ritual and reverence. Encircle your beloved mothers-to-be with energy and frequency...gently raising the overall vibration of her birth experience. Call our mothers to empty their bowls...to open themselves to each moment of their birth...to ask grace to enter into their experience. This is how we begin to heal our broken world. Just as the Navajo believed, each birth, how each child is brought into our world determines the health of our communities as a whole.

With blessings,

Betsy

If you are in the Durham NC area, and want to honor a mother with a Blessingway, contact Betsy as she initiates and performs Blessingway ceremonies in her community.

A New Birth Ritual #2

One shot...once a week...representing an aspect of birth...

What does birth ask of us? What juicy birth nuggets lie within this image?

As an addition to this ritual...I would love to gain your wisdom and insights. Feel free to offer up your perspective in the comment section, as lively dialogue can shift paradigms and expand ideas about birth.

I'll offer up my take in the next few days!

In gratitude for your voice and wisdom,

Betsy
Mother Chi Birthing

Survive vs. Thrive

The two words that come to my mind this morning when I think of birth are survive vs. thrive. One carries with it possible aspects of trauma and the other sets itself free to experience the grace that colors a birth met with reverence. Both take us to our sea...the sea of birth...but one deals with politics, personality, and judgement...the other with poetry, reverence, and soul. One keeps us in the shallows...the other forces us into our depths.

Surviving birth would look a lot like it sounds...crawling on hands and knees in the darkness (which you might do anyways, so wouldn't you want someone there holding a space for you to safely wander?)...the mind spinning out of control, paralyzing you and preventing you from diving into your birth (this too you might do, so why not have someone there who can gently remind you that you are exactly where you need to be...and then softly swoon you into your birth ocean?)...perhaps even forgetting all that you thought you learned in your childbirth preparation class, and feeling a sense of failure (this too is a possibility, so don't you want someone there who can remind you of tools and "tricks" so you can forget?) In the old days, when tribal communities still thrived, you would not have had to remember anything. Your job was to be pregnant and labor. Nothing else. No worries of building up your blood in pregnancy, where to birth, what to bring to the birth, what to eat, what to do, or how to do it. A group of women, most of whom were probably still lactating, would come together to provide you with everything under the sun...including psychological/emotional support, aromatherapy, and an immediate, physical connection to your female ancestors, to those who had gone before you! What juicy energy to have around you as you experience pregnancy and bring new life into the world. But that doesn't exist so much today. Perhaps not at all, at least not in that form. Today, we must create this sort of thing for ourselves.

By surviving birth, you open yourself to the wishes and dreams of others for you and your birth. Interventions sometimes become a reality, not out of necessity, but out of fear...fear not born of you, but born from others' agreements with birth and life. I do feel I need to say that your birth will be whatever it needs to be for you. Not for your personality, but for your soul. Your birth wants to take you deeper. Open you to patterns and ideas that will not serve you in life. By giving up your birth spirit to others, you unconsciously decide to possibly suffer through birth instead of simply "experiencing" your birth, with all it's twists and turns. You stand to lose so many moments of love and learning that will ultimately take you deeper into yourself...deeper into your birth...deeper into your river...deeper into your soul.Wouldn't it be nice to have someone there who could guard your birth space, filtering out the fears of others, thereby creating a space for you to experience your own birth psychology free from the cloudiness of another?

A survival mentality breeds opportunity for trauma. Because we are so vulnerable in birth, trauma can sneak in when we least expect it. The soft animal of our body is exposed. If we are not careful to spin a cocoon of support around us, trauma can shoot it's arrows right into our gut, burying deeply into our experience. Trauma often acts as a sort of black hole...sucking up and stealing our sense of sacredness and connectivity...weaving a veil of darkness over the many moments of light and love that filled our birth, disguising them as thieves in the night. We feel like bits and pieces of our birth...the birth that we really wanted...got taken from us. A sense of failure sets in to further spin us into a web of sorrow, denial, and confusion.

Thriving in birth begins from day one...literally. What agreements did you make about life while still inside of your mother? How were you brought into this world? What was your first birth story/experience? How are you experiencing pregnancy? How are you eating for your body and baby? How are you supporting your organs and blood? What are your beliefs about birth? What are your agreements about sound, movement, sensuality, intimacy, and sacredness? Are you approaching birth with reverence...with your soul...or with your personality and perhaps a false sense of self? "The soul is. It has no beginning and no end but flows toward wholeness. The personality emerges as a natural force from the soul. It is an energy tool that the soul adapts to function within the physical world...The personality does not operate independently from the soul. To the extent that a person is in touch with spiritual depths, the personality is soothed because the energy of consciousness is focused on its energy core and not on its artificial facade, which is the personality." Whatever you bring to the table...all of your beliefs...fill your bowl...they represent your personality. If you arrive at birth with a bowl that is overflowing with ideas, expectations, and fears, you stand to miss out on what birth has to offer you...opening you to the experience of your soul. There is no room in your bowl for grace...for birth magic...for birth mystery and transformation. Thriving in birth would mean emptying your bowl completely, allowing birth to move you like a river to your own river...your soul. This takes preparation, meditation, and reverence. "Reverence is an attitude of honoring Life...The cycles of Life need to be approached with reverence. The unfolding of Life, the maturation process, the process of growing through and coming into your own empowerment, is a process that needs to be approached with reverence." As it relates to birth, "reverence is contact with the essence of" each moment, "it is contact with the interior of its beingness. Even if you cannot sense the interior, it is enough to know that the form, the shell (the events within your birth), is merely an outer layer, and that underneath it lies the true power and essence" of who you are, or what a moment truly represents. "That is what is honored in reverence." Hunting your mind, your practices, and your heart during pregnancy, and learning to empty your bowl is a crucial part of thriving in birth!

Thriving means experiencing birth with non-judgement. For instance, you experience a contraction...you have one of two choices: 1. you can spin a story around the sensation, i.e. "this sucks...I want out...I'm dying...I can't do this...what have I gotten myself into, etc.," or 2. you honor what is coming up for you, i.e. "I feel pain, I am scared, I want to moan," and you become the act of moaning, singing your baby down and closer to being out...taking one contraction at a time...blowing away the one before...allowing the next one to come with new eyes. This is just one of a bazillion examples, but one response vs. the other makes the difference of experiencing suffering vs. experiencing pain/sensation...sucking your energy vs. directing your energy towards progress. How might this same idea apply to intervention or "unwanted" events/transitions in birth?

Thriving also entails support. Without support, you have no witness. No one to hold a space for you to explore your ocean. Authentic support looks a lot like sun rays. Sun rays that reach down to you while you prowl your depths...sun rays that reach down within what might seem like weeds and unfathomable darkness, gently shifting patches of luminous color. At times you may feel alone, but alas you are not. At times you may wonder where you are, and then the lantern of your birth sherpa appears. You may feel afraid, but then suddenly comforted by the validation of your witness. Fears may arise, but are transposed into guiding light by the soothing sound of a familiar voice. Surprises pop up that are perhaps scary, but then morph into healing balm for our soul, as we feel safe to experience such in the arms of our guide. Having support allows you to explore yourself in birth. I liken it to this...the ocean is vast, with it's inner most depths offering up the very basics of life. At the deepest points, there is life beyond measure...but life in its most primal state. No eyes or ears are necessary to thrive. The 5 senses become useless. Energetic vibrations and their consequent effects fuel this underworld...filling it with lifeforms that feel their way through existence. With all that being said, we have only explored about 1% of the ocean. Now I ask you...is this how you want to live? Swimming around in the 1% of your ocean? Is this how you want to birth? Limiting yourself to a 5 sensory birth experience? What about the other 99% of you? Will you allow your birth to open you to yourself? To gently call you into your depths? Birth is a force that has the power to do this! Will you remain on your shore...wallowing around in the sand...or will you take courage and allow this "force" to move you out of old currents and into new?

No matter how you experience birth, you will continually process your birth throughout your entire lifetime! This is the power of birth. It is a "force" that alters "uniform motion!" As you process, relive, and move through the moments of your birth, your discoveries will "illuminate both inner and outer experiences, physical and nonphysical dynamics" that can be seen both as darkness and light...transposed into your life as hardness or softness...opening you to as sense of wholeness or a sense of splintered-ness.

The support that you receive during pregnancy, birth, and postpartum are integral aspects of your birth experience. How you integrate your birth experiences into your life experience is deeply affected by your system of support. And remember, your partner is giving birth as well! Your partner needs support too, for birth will transform them as well...calling them to their depths, just as you are called to yours! You both need to thrive. Leaning on your partner alone can push you both into survival mode! This is only natural.

Give yourself the gift of support! Hire a birth sherpa! Prepare in awareness...not just practically, but also soulfully. Approach birth slowly, reverently, and wholeheartedly. Choose a childbirth class that provides a sense of intimacy and fertile ground for self discovery. Don't short yourself here. Open yourself to postpartum support...plan ahead for your "4th trimester!" Move through your pregnancy in consciousness...seeking out your depths. Perhaps doing some birth art might be helpful. Check in with an herbalist who can assist you with building your blood and body for birth. Suki is my go-to! Role play and inform yourself. How would you remain reverent, connected, and sacred in the midst of intervention? Dive into the aspects of birth that you want to avoid. Empty your bowl bit by bit.

There are many other things you can do, but to close for today, cry whenever you feel the need. Let your tears flow. This act alone will soften you to your truth...opening you to the most beautiful of all worlds...the world inside of you!

Sun rays to you...to your beautiful, dynamic, multi-sensory other 99%.

Calling to you,

Betsy
Mother Chi Birthing

*All words in quotation are those of Gary Zukav from The Seat of the Soul*

  

Tears and Tantrums

Babies and children cry. This is one of the most crucial ways in which they communicate and thrive. It is healthy and healing…for you and baby. The problem is...crying makes a lot of people really uncomfortable. The sounds, vibrations, and decibels that arise during crying strike deep chords in our inner being, awakening our inner child...bringing up images and feelings from the past. Perhaps we weren't allowed to show our feelings, were somehow made to feel small because of our tears, or constantly distracted away from the act of crying. How we were allowed or not allowed to feel or cry as babies affects how we relate to our crying infant now!

 Here are some questions to consider:

• How can we think with a solution focused mind to meet the crying moment with what it needs? 
• How can we maintain our wits about us in the midst of crying? 
• What are some ways we can put crying in perspective for others who might be giving us “eyes?” 
• How can we fit crying into our everyday activities? 
• How can we normalize crying? 
• If a tantrum presents itself, how can we remain grounded and calm? 
• If crying strikes a chord in us, how can we deal with what arises? 

Here are some suggestions to keep you present in the presence of tears and tantrums:

 

 • Hold your baby close while he/she cries.

 • Never leave baby alone to cry.

 • If you feel your temperature rising or inner stuff coming up for you, try crying too! Co-crying is healing and cathartic.

 • Create an energetic bubble around yourself while traveling out and about with baby. Be just as present with your child’s crying outside of the home as you are inside the house! (This can be super challenging, especially when others become uncomfortable in the presence of your baby’s tears.) If you are at the park and your baby needs to cry, find a spot under a tree and hold her close. People will look. That is just what they do!

 

 • Try sitting completely still with your baby while she cries. Just sit and hold a space for her. Challenge yourself by NOT rocking, singing, soothing, or distracting. We don’t need to be distracted from our feelings, but rather completely present and alive with the emerging emotions!

 • Find your breath while holding your crying child. Click here to discover breath awareness.

 • Make eye contact with your sweet crying babe. Focus wholeheartedly on their release. They will learn trust through this simple act.

 

 • Try saying as little as possible while baby cries. Let baby process by simply doing. Not thinking. Sometimes we don’t know why we need to cry, so asking baby or assuming you know the reason behind the tears sets the standard for always needing to “know.” The truth is that sometimes we cry to cry. Our bodies need the sheer release. If you do say anything, a simple "I am here" or "I hear you" lets your child know that you are a witness to their process. A witness does not judge, distract, or analyze. You merely hold a space for your little one to let go and release.

 • Usually babies will go into a restorative sleep after cathartically crying. Rest while baby rests!

 • Babies tend to be rhythmic with their crying. Certain times of day may trigger their need to tearfully open up…i.e. one baby might establish his/her afternoon naptime as crying time, whereas another might find bedtime a better time to release. Take note of these special times. Work them into your schedule.

If all else fails, see your crying child as your own inner child standing before you. What does your inner child need right now? How would you have wanted your parents to respond to you in a similar moment? 

You will find that setting aside time for and normalizing crying with your child will help you open, empathize, bond, and simplify...all of which will help you be the best parent you can be. Our children deserve the time to break apart, break down, and lose it. When we honor the act of crying we are giving our children the opportunity to soften, loosen, and expand. Tears are like magic...turning stone to water. Each spell of crying softens the world one tear at a time. And we need softening. This world and the people in it need our tears!

"Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again.- Alex Tan

May every child cry as often and as loud as they need to! 

From my river to yours,

Betsy

The Labyrinth of Birth

  

The labyrinth is a sacred symbol for life and birth. It is a beautiful illustration for the internal journey that a mother and father/partner must take to get to their baby, through postpartum, and then back to themselves and their "village."

How is birth like a labyrinth? “You cannot get lost in a labyrinth.” There is a beginning and an end...one entrance and one exit. 

With the start of labor, the mother and father are swept over a physical and spiritual threshold and into an intuitive realm, with no sense of time or direction. “A mother could be blindfolded and still reach the center by feeling her way through the path.” “She doesn’t need to study the path before she enters.” Each step forward is one step closer to the center. “The center represents the birth of the child, the birth of the mother and father, the birth of the family.”

As you move into the realm of birth, open your arms to the unknown. You have entered a space where all of your faculties will be challenged by the unfamiliar. Your eyes cannot see as they normally do. Your ears will hear new sounds. Your senses will be heightened as you feel your way through uncharted territory. The feeling of not knowing can sometimes be overwhelming when we are used to schedule, routine, and direction. Your thoughts might whirl into a twister of sorts. The labyrinth is an incredibly helpful tool for unwinding our thoughts and emotions surrounding birth and parenthood. And it just so happens that the labyrinth is also a perfect image for the journey to birth (preparation), to your baby (birth), and a return to life anew (postpartum and parenthood)…for we step into the labyrinth, which doesn’t require a map, and allow the journey to shape us. Each step forward brings us one step closer to our true, authentic selves…each step motivates us to question our beliefs and agreements that no longer serve us about life, birth, and even death. Our intuition and gut responses beckon us. Once in the center, we experience transformation and change, whether we want to or not. We die a sort of spiritual death to our old selves, and are born into parenthood. We will never be the same. The journey back out is with new eyes, new ears, new heart. Each step out brings us wisdom, courage, empathy, and revelation. At times, you may find yourself awake with no answers, calm without peace, sad with no tears, angry in the face of love…but alas, you are right where you need to be. We are the only ones who can get in the way of ourselves. Perhaps drawing a labyrinth might help you process and piece together your insights and awareness. Using the labyrinth while pondering big decisions can also be truly helpful. And you will make a lot of big decisions as a parent! Love and light to you on your journey. 

How to draw a labyrinth:

Try this:

Use soft pastels or some other forgiving medium and draw your labyrinth. Try to keep the aisles of your labyrinth at least a fingers width apart. Once you have finished your labyrinth, think of an image that brings to mind sacredness. Draw this image in front of the entrance to your labyrinth. This is your threshold that must be crossed with reverence. Now sketch a little pair of feet in front of your threshold. These represent your feet…moving forward…one step at a time. Before entering your labyrinth, find a comfy place on the floor and sit with your drawing. Perhaps think of your mother or mother-figure…father or father-figure. What one quality of hers/his do you admire? Think deeply. Take a moment to honor your thoughts. As you enter your labyrinth, think of this quality. Imagine that with each step forward you inhale the energy of this attribute. What images come to mind when you think of these quality? What colors does this quality possess. What smells are arising from the pores of this quality. Be very present with the sensations in your body as you finger trace your labyrinth. Once in the center, pause. Allow these ideas and images to seep into your skin. As you exit, envision this quality expanding in your body. With each step forward, embody these quality. Plant each step firmly in the earth…deep into your heart. Perhaps you will move out of your labyrinth with a sense of transformation.

*Words in quotation are those of Pam England, founder of BIRTHING FROM WITHIN*  

With a sacred spirit,

Betsy

Mother Chi Birthing 

Art As a Way of Knowing

Dear beautiful women out there in this world,

Sometimes we don’t know what is ailing us. We know we were affected deeply by something, but we don’t know how or why or where?

Remember when you were a child and your mother or father asked you “where does it hurt?” Perhaps you were unable to put your finger on the pain?

We now know that physical pain can be directly connected to emotional and psychological pain. However, it is much easier to say “my knee hurts,” or “my head hurts.” But it is not easy to verbalize how your soul aches…Or how your gut feels sad…Or perhaps how your core has been pierced by something sharp. This is where art becomes healing. If we can allow our right brain to take over, then we can better source the primary reason for distress or stagnancy. Our right brain is what connects most deeply to our wounded selves...to the river that flows underneath our being.

Through imagery, our inner knowing communicates to our thinking brain. Sometimes this communication is subconscious, but nevertheless healing. If our deeper self knows what is causing the pain or hold up, it will sometimes bypass the thought process and instead move energy around and out of our bodies…

Perhaps manifesting in renewed energy, fewer aches and pains, and an overall clearer sense of self.

This is the power of the artistic process. By simply drawing, or kneading clay, or smearing pastels around on a page, we move mountains inside of ourselves. The most important part of it all is not the final product…It is the process. Each new color, added image, or finger smudge could be the next level of healing for you. Be courageous!

Try this:

Take pastels and a large piece of paper...sit somewhere quiet and safe. Perhaps light a candle or a stick of incense. Honor this sacred moment with yourself. State your intention...to know yourself, or whatever your intention may be...Pick up whatever color speaks to you with your non-dominant hand. Close your eyes and begin a scribble drawing of sorts. Let your intuition guide your hand. Go when you feel the urge to go. Stop when you feel finished. Open your eyes and let your drawing speak to you. What do you see? What is your river whispering to you? Or perhaps screaming at you? Take your time. If nothing comes...put your drawing in a visible place where it can continue to speak to you. Add details as they come. Journal your thoughts as they arise.

Seek out a wisdom keeper. A witness. Be very selective...

"Choose this person carefully, someone whom you can trust and who shares your willingness to explore. To witness is to see and affirm. It is a skill. It involves putting aside any personal agenda. This witness does not judge, criticize, extol, reject, or evaluate your images. To witness is to be-with. The witness is changed in this being-with, enlarged by witnessing the unfamiliar or strengthened by witnessing the resonate. Be aware of your own wishes. Having someone witness your images is not the same as therapy; it does not involve coming to a diagnosis or problem solving. Having someone witness your images will not instantly right all wrongs of childhood, save a marriage, or ignite a romance. Yet witnessing is a powerful form of connection and works best when there is clarity between the two parties and a willingness to attend to whatever happens."- Pat B. Allen

More to come...

Warmly,

Betsy

P.S.

Kristina and I have started using art to communicate with one another. When we are frustrated, sometimes we sit together and draw. I feel blessed to experience these moments with her...In a moment of disconnect, Kristina sketched this...

I don't begin to know her inner workings, but I am glad that she has this outlet.

Won't you join me in expressing yourself?

How might art be helpful for birth?

Mother Chi Birthing 

A New Birth Ritual!

One shot...once a week...representing an aspect of birth...

What might this image be telling us about birth?

Speak out beautiful women!

Love,

Betsy


Mother Chi Birthing

This idea is a take on a special ritual started by SouleMama and passed down to me by Leya Williams-Albert!

Kristina's Birth Story

2.5 years later...I'm writing Kristina's birth story. My fingers trip over the keyboard as I search for the words to describe what swarmed through my head and my heart on that magical day...

Saturday

Saturday morning, May 29th, I woke up itching to dig my hands in the earth. Josko and I began a day outside. He mowed the lawn. I dug up all of our old bulbs, split them apart, and prepared to rearrange the front garden beds. Squatting felt good to me, but when my legs began to quiver, I plopped directly onto the dirt. The cold earth moved my spirit. I sat with Kristina, humming and planting, more humbled with every bulb covered and safe. Kristina felt lower in my vagina.

I rose up to move over to my next planting area. As I squatted down, a school bus drove by. Some of the children giggled and shouted at my bottom sticking up in the air. Breathing in, I added their voices into my labor song.

Sitting back on the earth, I soaked up the smells of freshly cut grass. As I closed my eyes, I remembered our trip to the country the previous weekend. My mother drove me out to our families' farm house. My grandmother was born in this home. We sat under the old, old magnolia tree and took on the ancestral air. It felt good to be with the wisdom keepers of our family. As I sat in the sun I said, "I just wonder when she will come." My great aunt responded back, "She will just come. In her own time. Don't you worry about that." Simple words that put my mind at ease. I opened my eyes and took another deep breath. My stomach hardened around Kristina. I could see the outline of her back.

That evening there was a full moon. As bedtime approached, I took the familiar walk up our stairs to the bedroom. Mid way, the moon called to me. I stopped at the window and whispered to Kristina that I was ready for her to come.

Sunday

Sunday, Josko and I awoke to a peaceful morning. I could smell our sheets. They smelled like us. I liked that. Josko decided not to work that evening. We made love. It was warm and golden outside. We took a walk around the neighborhood together. My senses were on fire. The sweat glistened on my chest. I felt drops of perspiration dripping down my back, down my stomach, and between my legs. My body felt like a waterfall. My nose seemed as open as the sea. With each breath, a new scent would fill my nostrils...warm smells...dirt, moss, honeysuckle, and fresh air. The scent of gardenia filled my lungs and felt as if it might ooze out of my pores. Even the sunset smelled of earth...it's glow reeking of birth desire. Josko walked beside me. We held hands. I felt big. Bigger than the earth. Josko's hand made me feel safe.

Night came. I began to have steady, hugging contractions. Conversation came easy to me. The birthing center wanted us to come in, as my contractions took on the desired rhythm.

Josko and I excitedly drove to the center. We took the back roads and enjoyed the dark, winding drive.

Upon arrival, the midwife checked me. I wasn't ready. The number disappointed me. There was another woman laboring in the room beside us. I could hear her moaning and groaning. The midwife mentioned that I might begin to sound like that when the time was close. She sent us home with orders to rest.

We returned home. We laid down. I couldn't sleep. The contractions were getting stronger...wrapping from my spine to my bladder. I had the urge to pee. On the toilet, my mucus plug came out in one fell swoop. I heard it plop.

I promptly dove into my birth. No more talking. Josko tried to talk to me. I couldn't respond. He called the midwife. He handed me the phone. I couldn't talk. The midwife apologized for sending us home and asked that we return quickly.

On the way to the car, I leaned on Josko as a surge swept over me. I could feel the moonlight on my back. I don't really remember the ride. I was laboring. I do know that.

We had all of our things in the back of the car. Nothing ever made it inside of the birthing center...except Josko, Kristina, and I.

I labored for 12 hours from start to finish. It was dark when I began. It was light when I ended.

In between dark and light, my heart felt frightened and free all at the same time.

My body moved without me. At times I was riding a bull, and at other times I would drift like a whale in the deep blue. I cried out for help.

I growled and bellowed...back and forth from angry lion to midnight wolf. My eyes rolled around in my head, picking up colors, textures, and visions. Josko tried to call my mother, but I didn't want to lose him. Not for one second. He came back to me. I could feel his breath...heavy, but present. I found comfort in rubbing his ear lobes. Over and over and over again. His eyes would lock to mine. He found my breath and matched it. He found my sound and matched that. He got me up off the bed...all other rhythms maintained. We swayed and wailed and rubbed for what seemed like an eternity.

I wanted the tub. There were other women in the space. Women I didn't know. That didn't matter. I needed them. One of these women filled the tub with warm water.

Once in, I tried to relax. My mind took over. My contractions were too close together...too strong...I couldn't do this! Then a pregnant woman appeared and sat on the edge of the tub. A surge took me and I reached out to grab something...I grabbed her belly, softly but firmly. I apologized. She whispered that my touch was just fine. Her round tummy brought me peace. I knew she would be exactly where I was soon. It felt good to have her there. She empathized with me. She offered a warm rice sock to my back. She opened her lap for my weary head. I don't know her name. Soon I got out. My feet needed to touch the earth. Water seemed too watery.

The midwife on duty was tired. I could feel this. She wanted to check me. I managed to get back over to the bed. As she reached for my cervix, Kristina's water broke. It felt warm and juicy.

My mother arrived. I could feel her presence.

I moved to the toilet and labored there forever and a day. Everything was spinning. My body heaved and wandered and sank and arrived and...opened. I wasn't alone, but I was alone. No one could save me. No one could do this for me. I got angry. Very angry. I barked and grunted and didn't know what to do with my hands. The sensations in my body were borderline insane. Nausea...hot...cold...spinning...the contractions started in my brain and ended...no, they never ended. They kept going. Through the floor, through the earth, through the underworld.

I could feel my mother's concern for me. She was in the other room, but I could feel this in my bones.

Josko stood behind me. He could do nothing but hold a space for me. I began to feel his fear. He was afraid. He faded into the distance a moment later.

My tongue was thirsty, but I couldn't drink. The midwife administered a temporary IV. She held the IV and moved around the room with me. The soft animal of my body lapped up the fluids.

Birth stool...birth chair...standing...laying...squatting...all fours...nothing felt like it worked any better than the other. Everything felt intense...there was no end and no beginning...

Monday

A new midwife arrived. This felt fresh to me. She came in, clapped her hands and said, "Let's have this baby." I needed her energy.

It was light outside. My ears picked up the sounds of morning birds. Someone whispered that they were singing for Kristina. I liked that.

The midwife disappeared and reappeared. She listened to my sounds and began to gently direct those who were in the room. My lantern felt out. I couldn't find my way. Darkness swept over me. I found myself in Josko's arms. He was sitting behind me, embracing my being. My ears heard the midwife suggest that I move my bottom to the edge of the bed. She directed Josko to pull my belly up and then push down with all his might...following the rhythm of the contractions. My mother had one foot, someone else had the other.

I looked at my mother and wondered how my father could have left after experiencing birth with her...not just one birth, but two. Surely no man can leave after witnessing his woman birth their child! This made me sad. I felt tears well up in my eyes.

My body pushed. Josko pushed with my body, strongly guiding Kristina down and out. I needed his help. Kristina needed his help.

I felt a burning sensation. My soul burned with joy. My body welcomed the sensation with open arms. The midwife suggested I touch Kristina's head. I declined thinking that it might slow things down. I wanted her in my arms. Then, a birth tiger pounced. I was afraid to tear. I sat straight up, looked the midwife in the eyes and said, "Am I going to tear?" She replied, "I don't know. You might if your baby needs you to." Peace came over me. I leaned back into Josko and together we pushed Kristina out. I tore. I didn't feel myself tear.

And there she was...wet and warm on my belly. I knew right away that she was her own being...not mine to be had, but hers to behold. I was her chosen vessel...kindling her soul fire that was, at this very moment, as hot as the sun's surface. I felt a sad feeling for an instant that then faded into understanding. Kristina had her eyes wide open. She looked us dead in the eyes, telling us who she was with her gaze. The world stopped spinning. Everything became silent.

I could hear Josko crying. I cried too...from my most inner being...these tears were different from all other tears. They were invisible, but alive and full of color, rhythm, and wonder. I thought, "I can do anything now. Anything in the whole wide world."

I expressed that I wanted to get into the water right away. Some of the other women ran a warm bath for me. Josko helped us into the water. Kristina and I witnessed each other...without thought, analysis, or judgement. Perhaps for the only time in our lives, we just were. Nothing and everything all at once. In an instant, my eyes and ears moved to my gut. Never again would I just see and hear. All of my movements would come from my core. My 6th sense...

Kristina opened me to feeling...the modality that I now live from.
 
2.5 years later...I am still moving out of my postpartum. I am still in my birth labyrinth. Still reeling from the transformative power of our birth.

I love you Kristina. You broke me open so that I could find myself.

Thank you for choosing me.

Love,

Mama

*Leigh Ann Joel is the midwife who delivered Kristina. At the time, she was practicing at the Women's Birth and Wellness Center in Chapel Hill. She now practices in Durham, NC at the Women's Health Alliance, offering up her gifts to local couples who plan to birth at Durham Regional Hospital. She blesses our birth community with her gentle and passionate presence...meet Leigh Ann Joel!